ANDROGYNOUS: THE TRIGGER

People always question why.

"Why the hell that boy wanna look like a girl?"
"Is he in the right mind?"
"What would his parent think?"


Here is why I would be like this. First is somewhat of payback. I have been labeled, since I was a child. Not just by peer, but from adults as well. Just name it, pondan, sissy, sotong and what else. I have been through all that shit since I don't even know what the word sex is about. I was made to believe that I didn't worth living. I was made to believe that I wasn't normal. But a little did they know that I have never made up all my act. I have never intended to walk too grace. I have never intended to talk too soft. I have never intended to be "abnormal".

But one thing for sure, I have never been taught to give up and surrender to what people say. I was raised by great single women, therefore I can somehow relate the pain and grief of life. I learned how to push aside all those bullies and silly jokes. All these women, my late Opah, Mama and my aunts are my idol.

As I grow up, reaching adolescence and all I have changed. I learn how to walk proud and tall, I control my speech and I welcome anybody to critic me so that I am able to know what is my flaw. I keep on and am trying to be a better man.  Still there is a bit of hint that will make people notice that i am certainly not straight as what they would expected of a man. I am disappointing myself as time goes by. I just cant help being me. Why are people are so mean, can't they just accept me as who i am without any prejudice ?

I have seek acceptance from strangers. Strangers that is around me. When I go shopping. When i go to school. When I am working. All those stranger around me if you get what I mean. They keep judging and judging.

But hell with them, I keep on doing what I want. I want long hair. Not ladylike long but the cool rockstar long. So there was a period where i did not cut my hair in order to be 'cool'. After few months, there was me with a shoulder length hair. I am proud with my hair the most other than other part of me. Then the reality strikes, despite my normal attires(shirt/T-shirt & jeans) I still have this feminine face. So u can actually sums it up, girly face + long hair - flat chest = CONFUSION.

So it nudge my mind, why can't i be both ? So I did and I keep on that look for quite some time. :)



P/s : Actually i wish to upload a picture but the line was too slow i gave up. Next time folks. :P

KESUNGGUHAN DALAM PERUBAHAN

Asal pikirkan azam mesti cakap nak berubah. Alamkdoi dah berjuta kali aku cakap nak berubah tapi harommm.

Dalam berapa hari aku masih terpikir, berubah ? Apa yang aku nak ubah sebenarnya. Selalu tengok pencapaian orang lain, makan hati. Tengok orang muka cantik, makan hati. Tengok orang pakai barang baik, makan hati.

Lepas pikir punya pikir, aku tengok balik latar belakang orang orang tersebut. Diorang bukan dilahirkan hebat. Semua dilahirkan lebih kurang sahaja dengan aku. Cuma satu yang aku nampak perbezaan, mereka TIDAK MALAS!

Maka aku pun dah tekad, harapnya kali ini aku dapat buktikan pada diri aku sendiri yang aku mampu untuk berubah menjadi lebih baik!

Sebelum ni selalunya dua tiga hari je aku bersemangat. Lepas tuh lebuh.

Tahun ini aku akan buktikan, kesungguhan aku dalam perubahan!